My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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