dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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