ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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