I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
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This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
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I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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