Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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