actually, I'm a sock model
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I fill condoms, not promises.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
