Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
