our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
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