I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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