No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
