The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Randomize
