were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
