I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
What a fucking waste of an outfit
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
