its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
