Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Randomize
