Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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