I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
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