i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
