This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
They have beer where we have blood.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
