It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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