I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
