Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
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Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
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he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
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