The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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