This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
what day is it and did you see me today?
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
