You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Randomize
