walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
worst night to have a conscience
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
