Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
