the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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