jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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