Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
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