and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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