my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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