I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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