you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Randomize
