I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
