i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
People with herpes should wear stickers.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
