How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Operation Purity has been aborted
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
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