After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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