Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Randomize
