I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
