She went from zero to smokin in five shots
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
