I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize
