I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
