Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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