You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
