between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
