if i can run in heels then i can drive
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Randomize
