she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
