He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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