2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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