im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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