I am in a vortex of obligation.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
