with your own penis?
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
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We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
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He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
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