No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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