Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Randomize
