peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
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