totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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