the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Randomize
