Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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