my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
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