After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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